peel

You were a tiny bundle, bony-bum digging into my thigh,
I handed you sections of satsuma.
"You always, do it that way...why?"
"Hmm? What do I always do?"
"You always peel oranges in one piece? Why?"
"Well, I like to remind the peel of what it held inside."
Messy black hair pressed into my shoulder, your fingers smelled sticky.
Your eyes smiled.
"Jeeze...you're even nice to fruit..."

If you see me in the sweet-nothings of life,
If you like the taste of my name on your lips,
If you long to hear my laughter in the bottom of your soul,
If you close your eyes to remember my resting face,
If...

You said that I was "good for nothing."
I have been trying my hardest to prove you right - I have been trying my hardest to make you love me.

Smile

Nestled in the backseat, my head on someone's bag, the days were not long enough, the nights were not warm enough, the sleep was not quite rejuvenating. Through the plethora of small restaurants with delicious - sometimes disappointing food, the odd ways of finding coffee, the urge to ride the whole way in a yoga position, to the sides of the brightest fires with the best - most repetitive songs being sung, discovering how amazing mustard tastes on a hot dog. There were amazing moments that made us laugh until we couldn't draw breath, and moments when all I wanted was to strip off all of my clothes and swim across a river or lake away from you both. I love that the bad feelings pass, and the good feelings stick. Even now, I would do it again.

curious

rub

Playing a guitar on a busy corner, raising my palm from the sidewalk for alms, clicking my Jimmy Chou's from shop to shop, stuffing a hurried bite into my mouth between meetings, bumping/brushing/passing in haste - I am late for life, too early for dinner, just a moment behind the flipping of the sign at the dry-cleaner's door, readjusting my book-bag on the way to class, wrapping a hand knit scarf a little tighter about my neck, flipping through tracks on an ipod that drowns out the honks, the slurs, the hiss of compression breaks, and the clatter of my neighbor digging through the trash.

a world without cracks...how would anything grow?

I knew what you meant. I could hear every unuttered thought in the silence of your stare. You were not free - are not free. But I am free. So up I grow, nurtured with memories. I was not perfect, neither were you. You were afraid, I was not. I think that, someday, you will be glad that you knew me. I am already glad that I knew you. You taught me to see myself. I taught myself to love what I see.

hmmm

If I fall in the forest and a mossy-rooted tree decides to eat me, I don't think that I will ask for your help. Thanks anyway!

frustrating

Just now, when we spoke, it was like climbing a huge sand dune -
each step was an existential crisis.

me

I wish that I were prettier, smarter, more clever, more graceful. I wish that my collar bone was more than a mere hint, and that my ankle wasn't perma-swollen from all of the sprains. I wish that I were more funny, quicker on the up-take, less concerned with what others think, and a little more concerned with my appearance. I wish that I knew how to manage time, charge my cell phone, gracefully admit that I'm wrong, and not procrastinate. I wish that my awkwardness would vanish when I am near a man who is too handsome for his own good. I wish that I were more patient, less presumptuous, and could leave a phone message with a duration of less than a minute. I wish that I enjoyed wakefulness more than dreaming, and exercise more than a tasty piece of cake...

...but then I would have no blushes, and no reason to hit people's shoulders when I am teased. I would be just a little less real.

...what will you become?

wait

I don't want you to know me all that well.
So, for today, I am Istanbul. You are a tourist.

I would never have seen you, I was floating along, ignoring the earth.
He said, "Lindy, you'll want to see this. Shhh, slowly."

I miss you...it makes me sad.

"She had studied the universe all her life, but had overlooked its clearest message:
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love."

-Carl Sagan

learning to stand, alone...therein lies the rub.

"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
-Marianne Williamson

honesty

Someday, I will be brave enough...

fight!

That's right, cluckster! Your mom was a HEN, and your dad ate WORMS!! You heard me.

To Survive

The moon reflects on the river, which runs low – the dregs of a storm that has been. So pale, sister moon. The river scatters you.

Ripple, rough, trip, and tumble.

My toes dive into the cool sands that lie beneath the warm crust, which cradles my heels. I sink to the bank of the river, to feel you. The warmth of daylight clings to the surface – the sun that has warmed your face clings to the sand.

Burrow, scoop, sift, and press.

The sand is your skin next to mine. I crush it to my palm. It does not yield, only slips away grain by grain to rejoin its fellows. It will never be felt again.

I cast myself back, my hair spreading over the sand as if it were your fingers.

The stars fall down to me from the darkness of the sky. They tell me of you – for they see all. The dust clouds, churned by caravans and armies, could not blind their sight. They whisper of your exploits and conquests, of the dreams you have dreamed beneath the tents of war. They boast of your strength and the golden-horde of your treasury. They see greatness in the boy that I knew. They blink, as morning dew touched by the sun, spinning the tales that I shall not hear from your lips.

The balmy breeze caresses the hollow of my throat – the tips of your fingers, touching me as they did long ago.

Sliding my lids closed, I am in the grove with you once more, the scent of jasmine heavy in the space between us. Your thumb slips beneath my veil, freeing a tress of my hair. Your palm cradles my cheek, slick with the tears of the lies I will courageously tell. Your smile, it is pure. The memory of your smile slices my heart.

Sometimes, when my vision is squidgy, I look ahead.
I don't realize that you are always beside me.

Divinity

It's not as frightening as it used to be.

tethered

I need to scream, but if I do, the threads that hold my heart together will break.

It's alright, I just had a tad to drunk!

Suddenly...

...I am walking through a new season...

Mom

This morning, over a cup of coffee at the edge of the bay, we watched the seagulls. We discussed the secession of Kosovo, the tribal nature of Afghan politics, and that book that you just read about the Russian occupation. You shared your disillusionment - the sadness of living in such a time. You told me that you were tired - that you plan to retire in four years. You told me that you are frightened. You tell me that you are cynical.

When I see you reading a book, when I hear your laughter, when your capacity for love and forgiveness lives - despite the disappointments of life, I know that your sadness will not last. Is it any wonder that I admire you? I long to reflect the best in you, always.

Echoes

I hear your footsteps everywhere...

"Our greatest revenge will be the laughter of our children..."
-Bobby Sands

Remember

I forget the velvet of the trees, the brightness of the sky, the dance of stray hair that tickled my neck, the dull knife of the breeze that brought our limbs to life...
Your heart smiled through your eyes - that I remember.